Jack Marteau’s Top 5² - His Greatest Hits

Since I’m not writing the top 5 this week (what the f**k?), I’m dishing out a special edition ultra top 5 which has been described as “The best f**king thing ever”, before I’ve even written it. It’s been a wild super fun ride; I thought the whole section should’ve been called “Top 5 HILARITY with J-Mart” but “the man” wouldn’t have it. Anyway, enjoy this cream of the crop because this is the end of an era.

5:  Speed 2: Cruise Control from Top 5 Unnecessary Sequels
“Keanu? Yeah, we’re doing Speed again mate… yeah on a boat this time…  It’ll probably be even more successful. What do you mean “no”?” This super-lame aquatic re-jig of a fine action movie sank without trace. The tension caused by having to avoid traffic and pedestrians is replaced by the tension caused by having to avoid mackerel. Still, at least the annoying bus-driving bird from the first one just happened to be there. Nice one Reeves, shite one Bullock.

The faux-quote is a fan favourite and is employed to full effect in this classic from the J-Mart vault. “Hey Jack, I love those faux-quotes you do, they’re so hilariously ironic!”

4:  Citizen Kane from Top 5 Political Movies
Orson Welles gives a spectacular account of the life of fictional media mogul/politician/nutjob Charles Foster Kane. It’s really, really good, widely regarded as one of the best films ever made. I’m looking into making a sequel called Citizen Dane about ‘90s heartthrob Dane Bowers, but thus far I’ve only been told that I’m “out of my mind”.

Oh look at that, I went all deep and serious for a bit then totally changed it up at the end with an incredible pun. Versatility is just one of the many strings to J-Mart’s bow.

3:  Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles from Top 5 Vampire Movies
I had an interview with a vampire the other day, but when I told him I couldn’t work nights he told me I wasn’t right for the job. It may have also been the fact that when he asked me about hobbies I spoke a lot about my frequent attendance of garlic conventions or the “I Heart Garlic” t-shirt I was wearing.

Did somebody say garlic?

2:  The Spy Who Loved Me from Top 5 Bond Movies
There’s a crazed megalomaniac with a diabolical scheme for world domination, bet you didn’t see that one coming. Don’t worry though because the greatest Englishman of all time Roger Moore is here to destroy him with a gun made from charm and bullets made from wit. He’d probably get the job done a lot quicker if he didn’t keep pausing to crack off cheesy one-liners.  Still, the birds love it.  I should know.

The Top Five Bond was a grade-A classic and my personal favourite ever, go and check it out on the website. I’ve often been called the “James Bond of Top 5s”, due to my timeless appeal and preposterous level of self-confidence.

1: Groundhog Day from Top 5 Time Travel Movies
Bill Murray lives the same day over and over again in his archetypal role. If I could live this same day over and over again, I’d probably watch Groundhog Day every day so when eventually the next day comes I will have watched it the most times in the world.

So this is where it all began. I’d like to travel back in time to when I wrote this and give myself a massive pat on the back because this shit was golden.

Any complaints? F**k off. Especially that tw*t that wrote in about the monkeys.