Do vampires exist? Probably. Why else would there be so many films about them? I’m certainly not one since I love garlic so much. Garlic bread, garlic butter, garlic mayonnaise; I’d like to write a top five films about garlic but for some odd reason they still haven’t made any yet. I don’t think they got my scripts.
5: Underworld (2003)
There are vampires, there are werewolves, there’s even one werepire or vampwolf. What’s not to like? There’s also Kate Beckinsale who, as most people don’t know, invented garlic back in 1984 when she tripped and hit her head on a garlic tree.
4: Blade (1998)
Wesley Snipes initially rejected this role because he didn’t want to turn his back on his first love: garlic. Pretending not to like garlic went against all his morals but he was forced to do the film due to his lack of funds after he lost them all in a basketball game with his on/off buddy Woody Harrelson.
3: The Lost Boys (1987)
In teen vampire movies, vampires conveniently tend to be teens. And they all act like teens, regardless of the fact that they’re often centuries old. Grow the hell up, you’re like 115 and you still want to steal some kid’s candyfloss? Your shoe size to age ratio is preposterous so it’s all the more embarrassing for you.
2: Nosferatu (1922)
Long before garlic was conceived in 1984, vampires were able to run wild, Kryptonite-free. Super-creep Nosferatu was no exception in this early German classic without a clove in sight.
1: Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)
I had an interview with a vampire the other day, but when I told him I couldn’t work nights he told me I wasn’t right for the job. It may have also been the fact that when he asked me about hobbies I spoke a lot about my frequent attendance of garlic conventions – or the “I Heart Garlic” t-shirt I was wearing.
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